The Circle Back

Most of us realize that when a guy (or girl) who you have a history with, or who in all likelihood wanted to have a history with you, contacts you out of the blue that they have one thing on their mind: rekindling the past, and therefore thrusting themselves firmly into your consciousness. This often happens via Facebook; however, I have received a phone call or two in the past.

I remember when this happened to me the first time. I believe I was in my first year of college, in the car with a friend on my way back to campus. My phone rings, I pick it up and it turns out to be a guy I saw briefly my senior year in high school. I did not handle it well. I was genuinely confused as to why after such a long amount of time he was contacting me. Oh my young, innocent self. What was so obvious to my friend completely went over my head.

Well not this time my friends!

About a week ago a really sweet guy that I casually dated last fall Facebook messaged me (there was no chemistry, in my opinion, which is why things petered out). Learning from the past, I immediately knew what was going on. As I mentioned above, this guy is so sweet, and he always treated me incredibly well and respectfully, so I had no intention of toying with his emotions. We chatted throughout the day, catching up, and then he asked me out, to which I nicely said no.

Now, I want your opinion on the “circle back” – not in reference to my story above, but in regards to the concept in general.

At first I took the idea of the “circle back” negatively. Don’t get me wrong. Each time I was flattered to have been thought of and contacted again. However, I thought they were only interested in hooking up and not really getting to know me on a deeper level. The longer I thought about this, though, I realized that wasn’t really fair of me. I was jumping to conclusions and had no proof to back up my theory (although on that topic, I will say one thing: trust your gut. Take into account the guy’s character and trust what your instincts are telling you). And even if that is the reason for the renewed contact, who cares? If that’s something you’re okay with, than this isn’t a problem.

Bottom line: don’t assume. If you want to engage in conversation and see where things lead, go for it!

What are your views on the “circle back?” Has this ever happened to you? Any suggestions on how to handle it?

Cheating...and some eye candy

Last weekend I had a Sons of Anarchy extravaganza. It was as delicious as it sounds (thank you Charlie Hunnam!). Having already run, showered and garbed myself comfortably, I reclined on the couch, good food within reach, and settled in for the long haul.

During one of the many episodes we watched (no, I was not alone), Jax (Charlie Hunnam) was on the road with another biker/friend, out of town, when they come upon a young man having his girlfriend take pictures of him on Jax’s motorcycle. Long story short, Jax leaves with this chick and with the guy writhing on the ground clutching his face. Given that Jax is a virile male specimen, the ending to this encounter is obvious. Be honest here. If you were in this girl’s position, you would have gone for it, too. It’s Charlie Hunnam after all!

I digress (most pleasantly so…). Now if you follow the show at all you know that Jax and Tara (a girl he has a history with and who is currently back in Charming - the place of residence) are meant to be. Cliché, yes, but definitely true. Jax is still interested, and given the tension filled scenes between them, I’d say she is as well. However, here he is, out of Charming, and pursuing some random chick he met on the side of the road. (I wanted to say something here about how he wasn’t behaving “charming,” but that would have been a lie)

Clearly he was not cheating. They aren’t even together at this point, so he can do whatever he wants. However, it is my reaction that I want to draw attention to. Yes, Jax eventually sleeps with her (blatantly cheating); however, even before that point when he was flirting and you just knew what he has on his mind, I was disappointed. In fact, I said he was cheating.  My friends quickly corrected this and pointed out the obvious: that he and Tara are not dating, so not cheating.

In my mind, why would he pursue this little tart when Tara is back home, a woman he is interested in?! I voiced this, when my friend chimed in with, “That’s the lifestyle, Bri! You have to get used to it!” It was amusing because I knew it was a joke and, in fact, she probably agreed with me.

So when I was researching articles and came across this one on cheating, I knew what I had to do: talk about Sons of Anarchy. While I will use any excuse to talk about Charlie Hunnam, the article, and my reaction, bring to mind an interesting topic. What exactly constitutes cheating? Is emotional cheating worse than physical? Are sending flirty texts, maintaining contact with an ex, texting other men/women while in a relationship cheating?

What I have found is that each friend I have talked to has a slightly different idea as to what comprises it. One might have a negative reaction to her guy talking to a woman at a bar, or another might dislike that he has lots of female friends and worries about how sought after he is. Whatever it is, we each have our own history (our upbringing, parent’s relationship with one another and with ourselves, etc.) that triggers our reactions to certain behaviors. As long as you know what cheating means for you, and you make that clear and set that boundary with your significant other, than there is no need to get hung up on the overarching topic of cheating.

So no, I am not going to go off on the specifics of what cheating means for me, but I will say to seriously think about what it means for you. What behaviors you will accept and what is a flat out, 100% unacceptable deal breaker.

I believe it is important to know where you stand prior to a relationship because you want to make sure that you are not changing your views to cater to your partner. If you have thought about this beforehand, it will make it easier to stick to your guns and to put your foot down if need be. 

It Came and Went

As most of you know, I am a single spinster.  Valentine's Day is always a challenge every year.  I tend to forget that it's happening and then I am rudely reminded of its presence (people getting flowers delivered to their offices, cheesy jewelry commercials on TV, roommates getting all giddy about the "holiday", etc.).

Side note: I think that if Valentine's is going to exist, then we should get the day off for it.  I'd much rather be able to lounge around in my pajamas all day then have to roam around on a planet that is littered with paper hearts and romance.

Anyway, this year I decided to treat Valentine's Day just like any other day.  I went to work (ugh), came back from work, went for a nice long run, showered, and then hung out with my brother and family.  I'd say a day well spent right?  I'm proud of myself for not freaking out about the day and treating it like any other day.  Sometimes you need to just give yourself a break. Before I used to feel a little pressure about Valentine's Day.  It all stems from elementary school, when kids are handing out Valentine's, and all you get are the Valentine's from your best girl friends, your teachers, your parents, and that boy whose parents made him stuff a Valentine in everyone's boxes for popularity points.  There were always those girls who got Valentine's from boys that thought they were cute.  I was never one of those gals.  Fast forward to high school, there were Valentine's Day candy grams.  You could buy a Valentine for someone and it would be hand delivered to that person during the day in front of everyone else in their class.  It was kind of a symbol of your popularity or high-demand status (if you were hot then you would get a shit ton of Valentine's from secret admirers).  Once again, I got candy grams from friends, advisers, and that creepy person who probably sent you one as a big ole joke.  I used to feel like such a pariah on Valentine's Day.  Valentine's Day can take a tole on your self-esteem growing up.  It's strange that it causes so much pressure and stress even among young kids.  I look back at how stressed out I used to feel about not having a Valentine when I was younger, but when I think about it now...I really don't understand why I gave a damn.  It really doesn't matter.

The day is solely a commercial, money-making ploy.  Candy, greeting card, and flower companies make a fortune from suckers who buy into Valentine's Day.  I don't think there's anything wrong with buying into a cheesy, corporate holiday, but it just feeds the tradition even more making it a bigger and bigger deal with each passing year.  Valentine's Day, I'm afraid, will continue to grow into a day of mass consumer spending: from the adults buying jewelry for their loved ones to little kids buying cards and candy for their classmates and crushes.

Would it be nice to get a box of chocolates or flowers from someone special?  Hell yeah it would!  But, am I going to let it bug me?  Nope.  I refuse to let myself feel worth less or not deserving. After all, it only comes around once a year.  It comes and goes as quick as lightning.  You just gotta remember to love yourself and look to tomorrow.  

And the Best Cities for Dating are...

Found this and wanted to share! It is interesting to see where your city falls on the list of the top 100 best places to date (unfortunately for me, mine is not high on the list).

http://living.msn.com/love-relationships/love-sex/and-the-best-city-for-dating-is-1 

Blast from the Past...and Accepting the Here and Now

http://living.msn.com/life-inspired/inspire-me/at-17-i-never-thought-my-life-would-turn-out-like-this

Imagine yourself 10 years ago, five years ago, even six months ago. At each one of those times in your life, you probably thought that you would be at different stage. You would be completely over the last guy who dumped you, at a killer job that you love, married with children, single and loving it (sounds like the title of my autobiography) while living in an incredible loft in New York City, etc.

Now pause for a second. Where are you now? I don’t mean sitting in your office chair or on your couch, but in life. Are you where you thought you would be?

These are the questions I asked myself after stumbling upon the above article on MSN, where a woman discusses a letter she wrote to herself at 17, and about the expectations that she had for herself. As I read this article, I heard whispers of my own voice, which called to mind letters that I had written in years past.

Most of you at some point in your life probably had a class assignment to write a letter that would be mailed to you some specific amount of years later. I believe I wrote one to myself in middle school, and definitely did in high school and right before college graduation.

In Middle School, I wanted to be more confident in High School. In High School, I wanted to get into the college of my choice, date (as you and I both know, that did not happen) and discover my calling. In college, I wanted to know what career path I should pursue, to find my future husband, to know what I “should” do. I wanted the answers. I’ve always wanted the answers. I guess not much has changed because I still do. The only difference is that now, at 24, I am in a spot to be more settled with not knowing.

As you can clearly see, and as I found, there is an underlying theme here: a desire to have things figured out; to have my life, socially, romantically, professionally, worked through. My younger self would probably be horrified, quickly followed by petrified, by the fact that I do not, for when I was younger, I had my life planned out (like that is possible). By 24 I would be in a serious, committed relationship with the man that I would eventually marry (oh boy, things are not looking good so far). By 26/27 I would be married. And around 28/29 I would start a family. BOOM! I have my 20s figured out! And here I am. Almost 25, in a job that I do not want to do any longer (although, I do work for amazing people!), trying to get my career going, find a nice guy to date, balance trying to find a job and a man, just trying to figure things out.

But there is a key difference to how I view the above now, and how I would have two years ago. Now I cannot imagine being married, or having kids, any time soon. One, there is the lack of a serious relationship (which is an impediment, you will have to agree). Two, I don’t know if I even want a serious relationship right now. And three, as a Child Care Provider I know how difficult taking care of a child is. I have spent over the past two years dedicating my time to helping raise a child, and I can honestly say that I am not ready for that responsibility outside of the hours of (roughly) 9 to 5.

What I am driving at here is that you cannot plan your life. You cannot even really plan where you will be, or what you will be doing, a week from now. Life is living in the gray, and that means everything is subject to change.

One last brief story and my closing thought. I was in yoga a couple weeks back and we were nearing the end of our practice. The instructor had us all lie on our backs and hug our knees to our chest, in a snug embrace. What he proceeded to say gave me goosebumps (a little jolt literally went through me), and still does whenever I think about it. So we are all lying there, still, and he says, “Love what you are embracing.” It was a truly beautiful moment. The sentiment was so genuine, so truthful, and it resonated within me.

I hope that we can all embrace who we are, even if it is not what we thought we would be. 

Valentine's Day Fun Facts

As a nod to Valentine's Day, I have decided to attach the link to an article with fun facts about V-Day. Have a good read, and I hope you enjoy today! Personally, I will be spending it with a handful of my girlfriends, the recipe for a fun, boisterous, laugh-ridden night. Sounds perfect!

http://glo.msn.com/relationships/fun-facts-about-valentines-day-7866.gallery?photoId=85701#!stackState=5__%2Frelationships%2Ffun-facts-about-valentines-day-7866.gallery

The Creepy Race

I got roped into running this Valentine's Day race with my roommate and her boyfriend.  My roommate's friend was supposed to be my partner for the race, but she bailed. I ended up being my own partner in the race.  The race was super early in the morning, and I had fleeting thoughts of just skipping it.  The fact that I paid 20 bucks for the race and was guaranteed a sweet ass sweatshirt (btw, the sweatshirt is not as sweet as I thought it would be) made me suck it up and drive out to the start line.  Once I was there I started to feel more enthusiastic about the race.  I had a really good playlist on my phone and the weather was nice.  About a mile and a half into the race, I suddenly noticed out of the corner of my eye that someone was really close to me.  I looked to my right and there was this guy running next to me and saying something to me.  I had my headphones in so I had no idea he was talking to me!  I took one of my earbuds out and said, "Oh.  Sorry, I was listening to my music.  What did you say?"  He replied, "Oh I was just wondering if I could run with you."  What the heck?  I said, "Um, sure.  I run slow though.  And I need to listen to my music while I run" (lie, btw).  I put my earbud back in and looked over at him and he was still talking!  I took my earbud out and said, "I'm sorry, but I can't really talk now." He ignored what I said and started asking me a series of questions.  I was getting really annoyed because he was slowing me down, and I wanted to beat my personal record.  He asked me where I worked, whether I ran a lot, and he asked me if I was 21...that last question really threw me off.

Background: This guy was creepy.  I'm not into older guys.  This guy was in his late 20s, maybe early 30s.  He had yellow teeth and was running with a backpack.  I started to doubt whether or not he was really a part of the race or just being...well...creepy.  

Anyway, after he asked me whether or not I was 21 I put my foot down and said, "Listen.  I really don't want to talk right now.  I'm gonna keep running," threw him the deuces, and then bolted away. 

I ran my fastest 5k thanks to Mr. Creepy.  After the race, I grabbed a cup of water and booked it to my car.  I did not want to run the risk of bumping into him.  I told my roommate about this incident later on and she joked about how we shoud stage something like that for the next race to see if I can beat my new personal record.  Har har har.

Ah yes, another Valentine's Day

(I toyed with the idea of posting this next week, but I think we could all benefit from a little preparation)

For all of us single ladies out there, the idea of Valentine’s Day, and the fact that we are potentially going to have to watch our roommates get ready for their “big night out,” and definitely hear about it, is enough to make our stomachs churn, eyes to roll and the gag reflex to kick in. Well not this year my friends! I am determined to cast off the shadow of romantic depression and make this a day about me (insert yourself here)! I won’t disappoint myself by showing up without flowers, chocolates or a sweet card. Indeed not! In fact, I plan on buying myself my favorite flowers, no chocolates because, unfortunately for me, Lent begins on the 13^th, I might just write myself a nice Valentine’s Day card, and I think that household duties will be completed this day while I prance around in some lingerie (you’ll see how this worked its way into the conversation shortly).

In an effort to validate my new attitude, I went in search of articles about the most romantic day of the year. Not surprisingly, I found quite a bit out there. How to survive Valentine’s Day, what his gift says about how he views your relationship, great Valentine’s Day gift ideas, his views on Valentine’s Day, sexy outfits for this day, alternatives for singles, etc. I have sifted through the masses and found three articles that I decided to share…and one movie clip.

To the single ladies:

http://glo.msn.com/living/valentines-day-alternatives-211-6491.gallery#!stackState=0__%2Fliving%2Fvalentines-day-alternatives-211-6491.gallery 

Now that you understand my lingerie reference, check out this clip from “The Ugly Truth.” The idea of walking around in sexy lingerie while alone brought to mind this scene where Gerard Butler’s character is helping Katherine Heigl’s character find a sexy, date appropriate outfit. Her hot neighbor, who she is ultimately trying to impress, stops by and she says that she was “…just doing the dishes.” I think we can all admit that a secret fantasy might be to be walking around our place looking incredible, doing laundry or the dishes, when a love interest shows up and is blown away by our overwhelming display of femininity and sexiness. I know, I know…but I can dream.

As a follow up to lingerie, enjoy this article about finding the best kind for you!

http://glo.msn.com/living/valentines-day-alternatives-211-6491.gallery#!stackState=7__%2Fstyle%2Flingerie-for-every-body-type-8948.gallery

Lastly, a guide to survive Valentine’s Day:
http://living.msn.com/love-relationships/love-sex/the-single-girls-guide-to-surviving-valentines-day