Imagine yourself 10 years ago, five years ago, even six
months ago. At each one of those times in your life, you probably thought that
you would be at different stage. You would be completely over the last guy who
dumped you, at a killer job that you love, married with children, single and
loving it (sounds like the title of my autobiography) while living in an
incredible loft in New York City, etc.
Now pause for a second. Where are you now? I don’t mean
sitting in your office chair or on your couch, but in life. Are you where you
thought you would be?
These are the questions I asked myself after stumbling upon
the above article on MSN, where a woman discusses a letter she wrote
to herself at 17, and about the expectations that she had for
herself. As I read this article, I heard whispers of my own voice,
which called to mind letters that I had written in years past.
Most of you at some point in your life probably had a class
assignment to write a letter that would be mailed to you some
specific amount of years later. I believe I wrote one to myself in middle
school, and definitely did in high school and right before college graduation.
In Middle School, I wanted to be more confident in High School.
In High School, I wanted to get into the college of my choice, date (as you and
I both know, that did not happen) and discover my calling. In college, I wanted
to know what career path I should pursue, to find my future husband, to know
what I “should” do. I wanted the answers. I’ve always wanted the answers. I
guess not much has changed because I still do. The only difference is that now,
at 24, I am in a spot to be more settled with not knowing.
As you can clearly see, and as I found, there is an underlying
theme here: a desire to have things figured out; to have my life, socially,
romantically, professionally, worked through. My younger self would probably be
horrified, quickly followed by petrified, by the fact that I do not, for when I
was younger, I had my life planned out (like that is possible). By 24 I would be
in a serious, committed relationship with the man that I would eventually marry
(oh boy, things are not looking good so far). By 26/27 I would be married. And around
28/29 I would start a family. BOOM! I have my 20s figured out! And here I am.
Almost 25, in a job that I do not want to do any longer (although, I do work
for amazing people!), trying to get my career going, find a nice guy to date,
balance trying to find a job and a man, just trying to figure things out.
But there is a key difference to how I view the above now,
and how I would have two years ago. Now I cannot imagine being married, or
having kids, any time soon. One, there is the lack of a serious relationship
(which is an impediment, you will have to agree). Two, I don’t know if I even
want a serious relationship right now. And three, as a Child Care Provider I
know how difficult taking care of a child is. I have spent over the past two
years dedicating my time to helping raise a child, and I can honestly say that
I am not ready for that responsibility outside of the hours of (roughly) 9 to
5.
What I am driving at here is that you cannot plan your life.
You cannot even really plan where you will be, or what you will be doing, a
week from now. Life is living in the gray, and that means everything is subject
to change.
One last brief story and my closing thought. I was in yoga a couple weeks
back and we were nearing the end of our practice. The instructor had us all lie
on our backs and hug our knees to our chest, in a snug embrace. What he
proceeded to say gave me goosebumps (a little jolt literally went through me),
and still does whenever I think about it. So we are all lying there,
still, and he says, “Love what you are embracing.” It was a truly beautiful moment.
The sentiment was so genuine, so truthful, and it resonated within me.
I hope that we can all embrace who we are, even if it is not
what we thought we would be.
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