UGHHHHHH

So, I know the last time I wrote a post was MONTHS ago.  I apologize. Consistency is clearly lacking in some part of my brain.  I promise I remember to brush my teeth twice (sometimes thrice!) a day and don't forget to put on shoes before I leave the house for work in the morning.  I would like to once again say that I'm back! And ready to talk more about spinsterhood.

While I've been away, my frustrations with the opposite sex have been slowly piling up.  I don't understand guys.  I would call them men...but the guys I know are hardly men.  They're slackers.  They don't have any ambitions.  They stay up until midnight and wake up past noon during the week.  Sure, some of them go to school but for what?  More and more these days I am noticing that it's no longer cool to want to have a successful career.  Instead the act of obtaining knowledge is more important.  I get it.  You want to be smart.  You want to explore the world, broaden your mind.  Then what?  Do you just sit around at coffee shops and wait for an unsuspecting victim to sit near you so you can then spew all of your wisdom into their coffee cup?  This happened to me a while ago at Otherlands (coffees shop where I "people watch").  A hipster looking guy sat across from me at a big table and started talking to me out of nowhere.  I had my headphones on...umm that usually means I don't want to be bugged/I'm working on something important.  Anyway, he started talking to me and went on and on about society and how it needs to be changed and the environment is going to shit and this that and the other.  After listening to him for about 30 minutes I said bluntly, "Ok, so what are you going to do about all that?"  Silence.  He didn't have an answer.  Oh, I see.  So you can dish it but you can't take it.  You can go on and on and complain about how everything is going to shit around you, but you don't want to do anything to help.  I'm encountering more and more guys who are like this.  They're like activists without being active...they're lazy assholes.  They go to school, acquire degrees and knowledge, and then don't do anything with it.  Their parents must be so proud and crying into their pillows at night thinking about all the money they wasted trying to get their kids a higher education.

My dear friend Frances sent me a link to an article that kind of explores this concept of the lazy asshole.  I found it very entertaining and it got me all riled up!  I hope it riles you up! Next time you see a dumb hipster boy at the coffee shop reading Chekhov just do me a favor and kick his ass.

1, 2, 3 - What a Man Needs to Know Before You Become a Priority

I am back! Life has been very busy, in a good way! New job, new place to live, dating, etc. However, as this is a blog about dating, I will jump right in.
Now don’t laugh at me (okay, you’re allowed to), but after an amusing discussion with my friends, I started reading Steve Harvey’s “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.” Maybe it is because I am in a spot in my life where I am more open to concepts I otherwise wouldn’t be, or maybe it was Steve Harvey’s approach – perhaps a combination of the two – but I found myself getting it. Accepting for the first time that men really are simple creatures, that women are more mercurial; complex. But more than that, probably more than anything else in the entire book that stuck out to me, was as follows: that a man will not, and cannot, make you a priority unless he 1. knows who he is 2. has the job he wants and 3. makes the amount of money he wants. You will not even factor into the equation until the above has been achieved, or he is definitely (and knows he is) on his way to achieving what he wants.
And the great thing about the above information, Steve Harvey says it on the first page of the first chapter (strategically planned, in my opinion, and one that paid off)! Once that thought took shape, sunk in and decided to stay there, the rest of the book was viewed in a new, more favorable light. Certainly there are things mentioned that no woman wants to hear, but I think it is easier to move past it and/or accept it because we just want answers; preferably good ones, but any answer will do.

Now, I believe that the last time I wrote I mentioned I had been dating this guy for a while. Long story short, I was ready to commit and he wasn’t, but I was not ready to move on. However, I had since reached the point, prior to reading this book, where I wanted more and was no longer willing to settle. The guy is a great guy - honestly, I’m not trying to pull one over on anyone - he just has some growing up to do. After I read the book, however, things fell more into perspective. He is not doing what he loves, or sees himself doing long-term; he is not making the kind of money he wants; and because he does not have the two things listed above, he is struggling to know who he is. I am not saying that he is floating around in a miserable heap cursing the fates because he is having an identity crisis. In a lot of ways he is settled; however, without the job and money it is an incomplete picture (if what Steve Harvey is saying is true). And I don’t fit into that picture. It sucks, and I am disappointed, but it is life and I am moving on.

I am not saying that I am all the sudden wise in the way of men. Far from it! But at least now I feel as if I have a slightly better understanding and can approach my next relationship, or whatever you want to call it, in a more enlightened fashion. So bottom line ladies, go get yourself a copy stat! At the very least it will provide you with amusing examples of male/female interaction and provide a great backdrop for interesting conversations with your girl friends!

I'm Shy

My whole life I've been an awfully shy person.  In elementary school we had to do book reports and then present them in front of the class in a fun and interesting way.  I hated these presentations.  We only had to do it once the entire year, but I dreaded it.  I put together a great presentation, complete with props and charisma.  On the day of the presentation, I lied to my teacher and told her that I didn't do the report.  She didn't believe me.  She then called my parents who "grounded" me (Indian parents don't really ground their kids; they just make you read an extra book or practice math), and I had to present my report the next day.  I remember my face burning up and feeling sick in the pit of my stomach.  These weren't butterflies.  These were wasps.  Anyway, I gave my presentation, got a B, and went on to really hate that teacher.  If you asked me what her name was, I wouldn't be able to tell you because I've blocked it from my memory.  Now, I'm not quite so shy anymore…in certain aspects of my life.  I developed a penchant for giving presentations in high school and especially in college.  It gave me great joy to put together a tri-fold in high school and a PowerPoint presentation in college.  I loved putting organizing talking points on note cards and feeling prepared.  I was basically A BOSS at givin' presentations.  If only I could translate that confidence into…talking to…boys. 

I've never been one to exude a lot of confidence.  Whatever confidence I can muster when I'm talking to someone for the first time takes a lot out of me and although I feel exhilarated after having talked to someone successfully for the first time…for some reason when it comes to single guys…I SUCK AT TALKING TO THEM.  I just can't do it.  I get so nervous and feel so shy!  Even when I've had a little bit of liquid courage, I end up saying super nerdy things or things that in my head sound funny but in real life are horribly not funny.  There are so many tips out there on how to talk to guys when you're out and mingling or whatever.  Like, a lot of people say, "Oh, try to start out by telling them a joke!" HA! Yeah, me telling a joke.  I suck at delivery and when I'm nervous I tend to get tongue tied and end up blabbering literally in gibberish.  Some people say to be aggressive.  You know, guys like a woman who stands up for what she believes in.  "I think Pink Floyd is far superior than Led Zeppelin!"  That's one of the arguments I made once with a guy.  He questioned my taste in mursic and walked away after about five minutes of me ranting on and on about the progressive nature of the music in Dark Side of the Moon given that it was released in the 1970s.  

After many unsuccessful attempts, I've stopped caring.  I take the approach of being casually cool.  My strategy is always to let the guy come to me.  Well, unfortunately this never works for me.  Guys never approach me wanting to know more about me.  It's awful.  I guess when someone sees me being "casually cool" at a bar…they see me nervously twitching, hiding behind my girlfriends, and constantly checking my phone.   I have no clue how I became so socially awkward.  It started right after I moved back home after graduating.  I stopped going out as much and whenever I did, it was to hang out with girlfriends and catch up with them.  Now that I've moved out of my parents' house, I'm trying (unsuccessfully and admittedly half-assedly) to branch out more. The sad truth is that I've lost my mojo.  I don't know how to talk to guys I don't know very well (especially if they're attractive…which is a whole other level of stupid because…I mean c'mon.  I'm a hottie; they should be the intimidated ones). 

I'm incredibly shy when it's time for me to suck it up and talk to a guy.  I always want to be bold and make a move.  The times that I have done so, there have been disastrous results: spilling my drink on myself, tripping over my feet, getting the hiccups, sneezing unattractively, getting food stuck in my throat, laughing too loudly, saying something dumb, etc. etc.; the list goes on for days and days.  One of these times was actually yesterday!  

I went to a kickball game last night with my friend and was a stand-by player.  I sat on the bench, intently watching the game, and cheering for my teammates.  It was fun.  I was lettin' loose, havin' fun.  One of the guys on the team tapped out of the game to take a break after skinning his knee and came and sat down on the bench next to me.  We cracked a few really dumb jokes about kickball and he asked me my name.  I had been pretty social with him.  I asked how long he'd been on the team, where he was from, and we briefly talked about the inferiority of the bud light everyone was drinking (I'm not a beer snob, I promise!).  After this, he stopped talking to me.  I just kind of zoned out and went back to watching the game and totally disregarded the fact that he existed and was sitting right next to me.  A few minutes later, the team captain's girlfriend showed up with her slutty friend.  They had just gotten back from Café Ole, so they were drunk off of margaritas.  The slutty friend was being super flirtatious and gregarious with the guy.  At one point, I looked over and she was bouncing up and down saying, "I promise I'm wearing a bra! My tits are just super bouncy!"  The guy was laughing his ass off, and he looked like he was really enjoying her company.  WHAT THE F--K.  Are you kidding me?  "My tits are just super bouncy" is what gets a guy interested?! And that guy seemed like a nice kid…I just don't…get it.  I know I'm socially awkward and need to work on socializing with guys but there ain't no way in hell I'm gonna be putting my boobs in a compromising situation.  Besides, not only did she look really stupid bouncing up and down, but I'm sure that was super painful and cruel to her breasts. 

Now that I've critiqued myself on how I'm really shy and I obviously need to work on that, now it's your turn!  Do you have any suggestions on how to approach guys?  Have you done anything stupid, cute, or in any way out of the ordinary to get a guy's attention? I'd love to hear about it! Unless you were jiggling your lady lumps in front of a guy…in that case, please just…go away.

Here's a super cute video of Thom Yorke and Nigel Godrich from Atoms for Peace giving girls advice on love.  A lot of the questions have to do with having confidence.  They actually offer some pretty sound and logical advice.  Sometimes the solutions to these types of problems are very simple, but sometimes you need a pair of really cute, talented grown men to give you some loving advice.  Brought to you by Jezebel, brought to them by Rookie Mag.

Hello? Anyone there?

After a short hiatus, I am back! 

I have been dealing with a family issue that has been mentally and emotionally exhausting during the past month.  I’ve been coming to terms with a lot of stuff.  Life is way too complicated you guys!  I guess that’s what makes it so darn exhilarating!

During my hiatus, I found out that my dad is really sick and only has 6 months to a year left to live, I had the flu for two weeks, and then I went on a much needed vacation to San Francisco with one of my best friends.  It’s been a crazy month, and I feel like I’ve had a lot of days full of utter happiness and days full of nothing but darkness.  It’s insane how suddenly things can happen in life.  It’s like being in a car accident.  When it’s happening, you can’t believe it.  You even have that brief moment where you think you’re just dreaming.  But in the aftermath, it comes at you and you feel like you’re being crushed to death.  It’s a horrible feeling.  Of course all of sadness surrounding my dad and being in a germy hospital for four days straight resulted in my immune system weakening and my getting the lovely flu.  I then passed the lovely flu onto my mother.  Oops.

Amidst all of the stuff with my dad, I had completely forgotten that I had booked a flight to San Francisco for a week long excursion with my friend from DC (I’ll call her “D”).  I thought about cancelling it for a hot minute, but then thought about how much getting away would help me.  And it really did help!! It helped to get out of Memphis and be in a place where there is clean air (in the sense that it’s not stale with depression) and distractions of all sorts.  D and I did so much running around.  Along with the regular touristy things, D and I mostly wandered around getting lost and talking to strangers.  Also the food!  I felt like I was getting some kind of culinary therapy.  The delicious food that I ate brought me back to life.  The whole experience showed me that there’s so much more going on outside of my bubble of sadness.  Now that I’m back in Memphis, I’ve been working on holding onto that feeling of clarity that I had on my trip.  It’s been difficult, but every day I’m feeling a little bit better.

My dad and I have never had the picture perfect relationship.  We were best friends up until the middle of high school.  I guess we just didn’t have a whole lot in common anymore.  I was a female teenager with raging hormones, and my dad wanted to stay out of it.  I don’t blame him.  After falling out of touch with him, things were never quite the same.  We kind of walked on eggshells around each other, trying desperately to avoid having arguments, avoiding eye contact.  There was one point where I stopped talking to my dad completely.  I just disliked him and didn’t feel connected or related to him anymore.  Now that my dad is in the situation that he’s in, I feel like I’m having to make up for lost time.  I’ve been trying to spend more time with him.  We have our own little book club now.  Instead of young adult and mystery novels, we read books on India, Hinduism and philosophy.  It’s boring as hell sometimes, but I would much rather suffer through that than not have any significant memories with him. 

You may ask, “what the hell does any of this have to do with being a spinster?”  Well, it doesn’t have much to do with it except for the fact that I probably won’t have any fun and exciting stories about encounters with the opposite sex for a while.  But I will have stories about how I’m changing my life and figuring out what I want to be, who I want to be.  Time is precious, and I’d like to make a lot of self-discoveries while I’m young, and I’ll share these discoveries with you and everyone I love. 

And don’t worry; I’ll still be stalking people at coffee shops, stores, and the streets.  If I see any hilarious encounters between a man and a woman, OH you’ll know about it.  With the loving support of my family, my awesome friends, and a wonderful outlet in the form of this amazing blog, I’ll be fine.   And I’ll continue to crank out my crack pot theories about being a spinster and everything else in between.   

Hopefully Some Helpful Online Dating Tips

http://living.msn.com/love-relationships/ladies-5-online-dating-mistakes-you’re-making#1

In one of the very first posts on Spinster Sisters, I wrote about online dating. My views (that while it is fine for many people, it is not for me) have not changed; however, considering that it is a great source for singles to meet, I thought I would share the above article, and hopefully it will provide some helpful tips to increase your chances of meeting some great guys. 

Crazy Dating Trends

First things first: check out this article on crazy dating trends. 

1. (Pheromone parties) I'm sorry, what? You want me to bring my shirt that I just worked out in to a party where a guy can smell the armpits of it? Pass.
2. (Ghost dating) There is nothing spooky about this. It's off-putting. I don't want some stranger handling all the correspondence of the man I'm potentially interested in. It's impersonal and deceitful.
3. (Airport dating) I have to say that airport dating is intriguing...possibly because it has romantic comedy written all over it.
4. (Reverse commuting) This seems a bit much. I understand wanting to find a "very normal, very sweet, very unassuming" man, but I don't think they are thinking too far in advance. Obviously if they can easily get to these places, dating a man from there might not be a problem. However, I think this could be setting yourself up for some future woes.
5. (Dating school) A dating school isn't necessarily a bad idea. For some this might indeed give them the tools to get out there, but the point is that they have to get out there. So as long as the "homework" includes chatting up the local coffee shop hottie, then I'm all for it!
6. (Dating as an art form) While having the man (or woman) you are with watch you sleep is okay (and I don't mean creepily hovering over you staring, but as in they wake up first and...it's romantic, okay), having a bunch of strangers/potential partners not only be able to watch you sleep and choose who they want to approach, but be able to kiss you is…not my thing to say the least. I have problem with guys getting too grabby at a bar (some guy was literally grabbing my shoulders holding me in place not too long ago...but that's a different story). This might not be my thing, but hey, points for creativity!
7. (Building your dream partner) Has anyone every played Sims? The game where you build your dream home and you can pick your character and what your boyfriend/girlfriend looks like? Oh! And there is also a boyfriend app on the iPhone. Anyways, this is what that reminds me of, and it has a whole host of issues. I feel like a problem women run into (myself included) is having an ideal man and not being willing to consider other options. It's a distorted reality. I get that the idea is to try and match people based on compatibility, increasing your chances for success; however, the man who you might think is the best fit for you, may turn out to be the worst. You can't base a relationship off appearances.
8. (Discriminatory dating) Wow. I get everyone has a type, but this again is basing everything off appearances.  
9. (Faux girlfriends) Rent a girlfriend? Really? I'm sorry. I can't see the positive here. This is a way out; a way to keep individuals scared of dating from actually doing anything about their current single state.
10. (Doomsday dating) I don't know about you, but I would want to spend my last day/hours/minutes with someone I love - family, friends, pets, etc. - not someone that I recently met so I could not be single when I die. 
11. (Words with Friends) I don't know about this one. I’m indifferent.
12. (Couponing) This may become the "new normal" on a first date, but I still have a problem with it. 
13. (Food focused dating) Taking a cooking class together sounds like fun...and you'd get to see a lot of different character traits during your time spent together.
14. (Face matching) Interesting concept. Although, I'm more interested in the research and reasoning behind why we are attracted to those who have similar facial features than I am to exploring this as a dating option.
15. (Pet dating) Okay, I am that person who if a potential partner isn’t okay with pets and/or my pet does not like them, it raises a red flag. But as with No. 14, I don’t know if this would feature into my dating options.
16. (Sugar dating) You want a sugar daddy? Two words: grow up.
17. (Date shopping) A free man with purchase?! Sign me up! Can I use the site to build my dream partner first? I kid, I kid.
18. (Holidating) I don’t think this is safe.
19. (Furry dating) This is awesome. How hysterical would this be if you actually went through with it? However, this is probably best left to friends and those who have been dating for a while…unless your blind date also likes to dress up as animals.
20. (The pre-prenup) Can you not have the same boundaries and the ability to negotiate without a contract? My mind went to the Fifty Shades of Grey contract...wrong type.
21. (Zombie dating) I’m sorry, no.
22. (Negging) HAHAHA! Scenario: Guy: “You look really fat in those jeans. What were you thinking?” Girl: “Uhhhhh…” Guy: “So uh, we should totally go out sometime. But don’t worry. I’ll come over first and pick out your outfit so you don’t embarrass yourself again.”
23. (Proximity dating) The good old fashion approach is the way to go.
24. (Rural dating) If it works, awesome!
25. (Professional wing dating) Sounds like the rent a girlfriend one. I know that this girl functions as a wingman, but still. Not sitting right with me. 

Wait...Where'd You Go?!

You are dating a guy, things are going great (the honeymoon phase of dating) and you are falling fast. Then, after some time, this niggling feeling creeps up on you. Something is off, but you choose to ignore the signs. He’s not spending as much time with you, his texts are more infrequent and/or the tone of his message has shifted, he’s spending more time with his friends, he gets defensive easily, and so on and so forth. Or perhaps you have experienced this only through hearsay (aka your friend who shares her dating woes). Regardless, the man in question has withdrawn, or disappeared.

According to this article that I read, Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do (and the good natured advice/lectures from my sister and friends), how you react next is crucial.

Our instinct when we sense him pulling away is to push ourselves closer, which we think effectively re-snares his interest. However, this in fact has the opposite effect. Instead of trying to pull him closer, give him space; pull back completely, taking yourself entirely out of the picture. Not only will this time apart help determine whether or not a future can possibly exist for the two of you, but you will have the time to figure out what you want. You may find that you are no longer interested, or that it is not worth your time and energy to make him a priority.

So check out the article and tell me what you think (it’s not as long as it appears to be…the last half is filled with viewer commentary).