Get away from her!

My friend Gandalf (that is what we shall be calling her today to keep anonymity) and I went to a Band of Horses concert last week. I love Band of Horses, but I’ve never seen them in concert and wasn’t sure what to except. Gandalf is a hardcore fan of the Band. She was so pumped about the concert…so pumped that she pushed her way to the front row and waited there for TWO HOURS before the show even started. I joined her about an hour into her two hour wait and we somewhat politely listened to the opener (ok, the opener sucked SO MUCH. OMG THEIR MUSIC WAS SO BAD). The lead singer of the opening band would mumble things into his mic between songs and also talk incoherently about a mysterious bag of cheese straws that were on stage with him. He occasionally threw cheese straws out to the audience (what the f*** are you doing?!). It was straight up weird.

After the horrible cheese straw band ended their apocalyptic performance, it was finally time for Band of Horses! Out pranced all five of the band members all dressed in hipsterific clothing (tight jeans, plaid button downs, old tshirts, etc.). They all looked like skinny little hobos! I loved it! We listened as the lead singer soothed the audience with his lovely voice (aided with the help of a cigarette that he actively smoked during the performance) while his bass guitarist thrust his hips toward the heavens and closed his eyes...I know that sounds raunchy, but he was so into what he was doing he may as well have been making love to his music. It’s a beautiful thing, guys!

During the very last song, some douche bag comes out of nowhere and assaults my back by grinding up on me and holding my shoulders. It was super awkward and totally ruined the eye sex I was having with the bass guitarist! My friend, Gandalf, with one determined look on her face looked at the douche bag and exclaimed “Get away from her!!!!” She was my white knight. She saved me. The douche bag remained persistent for a few minutes. I elbowed him out of the way, and Gandalf continued to yell at him to get away and to stop being an asshole (don’t think she actually said ass hole but it was something to that effect). Anyway, she saved my life in that moment and I was able to enjoy the rest of the song.

If there’s something that I hate about guys at parties and/or concerts, is their ability to come up to a girl and just start pelvic thrusting. It’s not attractive. Honestly, did you really think it worked for Chris Kattan and Will Ferrell in A Night at the Roxbury?! No! It didn’t work! That’s why it’s a terrible idea to try something like that! Next time, think before you choreographically assault a woman having a great time at a concert and/or party, son!

"Is he cute?"

The other night I went to a Halloween Party with a bunch of friends…dressed as a skunk (personally, I think the costume turned out great). It is a given that dancing will be taking place at some point during the evening, and indeed, my friends, it did. Before even making it out onto the dance floor I’m bobbing around, shaking my little skunky tail, just loving life. Then the time comes to brave the massive, swaying crowd as we push and dance our way closer to the front.

Now, working all day with a two-year-old makes me appreciate the plentiful male surroundings. I loved being around all those boys! I didn’t necessarily want to talk to them or dance with them, only look and admire and soak up their presence (what can I say?). However, just because I might not want to engage in any interaction does not mean that they feel the same. Inevitably you are approached, danced up on (shaking their booty on me was apparently highly amusing), the recipient of some pickup lines (“Hey, you don’t smell.” Yes, this was actually used on me last night – but don’t forget, I was a skunk), or outright manhandling. When the bold simply come and grab what they want – you – you are left trying to figure out precisely who is behind you and if you want him there. This situation leads to one of my all time favorite girl techniques: the “Is he cute?”

When you can’t see who is behind you (granted, you could simply turn and look up at him, but for some reason we never do this), and you’ve given up on slowly edging away while shooting desperate looks in your friends’ direction hoping one of them correctly interprets your look and pulls you away, it is up to your friends (those that are nearby) to determine whether the gentlemen is worthy of your stellar dance moves.

So the other night, one of the girls I was with employed this technique. Some brash young gentlemen yanked her to him, and being a good sport, she goes along with it. However, not ten seconds go by before I see her casting a desperate look at me in hopes that I’ll turn and catch her eye. As soon as I do so, “Is he cute?” immediately whispers through the air towards me (that’s the romance novels talking). Mentally I’m laughing because this is so quintessentially female. I have never seen a guy whisper to his buddy if the girl he is dancing with is cute. Anyways, I mutter some nondescript response because to each her own. She eventually pulls away and decides for herself that he is in fact not worthy and moves closer to our social group.

If your friend, however, has no compunction flat out saying “No! Get away from him NOW!” (not really how I roll, but I certainly have friends who practice this – and if I’m being honest, it has definitely come in handy) then they become the aggressor and pull you away, leaving the guy bereft and downcast. Okay, it’s probably not as dramatic as that, but surely no guy likes facing rejection.

I am sure that at one point or another we have all utilized this technique. I picture back to the 1800s where ladies probably developed signals to call for help from their girlfriends across a crowded ballroom (again, the romance novels). Yes, the technique must have been around for quite some time. All jokes aside, let’s be honest ladies. Have you used the “Is he cute?” in the past? Have you found it to be effective? Or is there perhaps a more straightforward approach that has garnered equally successful results?

Pickup Lines

As mentioned in my online dating post (posted quite some time ago), I did not enjoy the online dating experience and I do not plan on returning to any site. That being said, I find the eHarmony dating advice columns extremely addictive! I can easily spend 30 minutes perusing the articles and mentally taking notes. After all, I have to store little details away for future use.

While I suffer no compunction about going directly to the site and finding articles of interest to read, the majority of the time my roommate forwards eHarmony emails to me (I’ve got to love my roommate).

In one such email, sent yesterday as a matter of fact, she drew my attention to an article called, “Pickup Lines for the Halloween Party.” Now, I had read their pickup lines to use at the gym – incredibly cheesy, but delightfully so. In fact, I would actually consider using some of those myself. Unfortunately, the pickup lines supplied to use at Halloween parties fell flat. I mean really flat. Flat like a dead bug. A squished, dead fly on your windshield.

I get that with pick up lines you are supposed to embrace the cheesiness, and honestly, I have no problem with an extra helping of cheese. But at some point, you have got to reel it in (case in point, my obnoxious babbling about bugs). 

If I were going as a pirate (a happy coincidence that I am not) and a man came up and complimented my ‘booty,’ you better believe I would 1. Probably laugh good naturedly– even though it is so overused and just bad, you have to give the guy credit for using it. 2. Laugh some more and 3. Find some excuse to leave. Red light! Red light! Not interested! (Quick detour to explain the ‘red light’ comment: One of the costume ideas my roommate and I had was a stoplight. I was joking that at a party I would flash ‘green’ when I was interested, ‘yellow’ signifying proceed with caution and ‘red’ as a flat out refusal. Back away!) Fortunately, I am going as a skunk for Halloween. I shudder to think what pickup lines will accompany this costume. Will they wax lyrical about my glorious smell (as a skunk, not me personally. I felt the distinction necessary)? Or perhaps gush over my lovely markings?

Despite my sarcastic remarks concerning the Halloween party pickup lines, I actually condone (enjoy? don’t mind?) pickup lines. Let me give you an example (provided, of course, from eHarmony):

“’Excuse me, but you have something on your face,’ (when she goes to wipe it off you stop her and say) ‘No, no leave it. It’s beauty.’”

Okay, so I know, super cheesy. But I can’t help it! I find this very endearing. I stumbled upon it after writing the first draft of this post last night and knew that I had to include it. It immediately brought a goofy smile to my face (the one where your eyes gaze into the distance dreamily and you can’t help the smile that forms) and I had to admit that this line would totally work on me. I would probably start laughing – a little self consciously – and then try to get to know the guy. So if there are any guys out there reading this and you somehow miraculously find me, use this pick up line!

Back to the point I started to make: cheesy pickup lines can be good. I think that there is so much tension surrounding approaching a woman, or a man, that a fun, silly pickup line can lighten the mood and demonstrate that you have a sense of humor. Granted, I don’t want it to appear as if you brushed up on your book of pickup lines before heading out for the night and are testing its success level on me; however, the Lord knows that dating needs to be a lot more fun than it is…or than I think it is.

What are your thoughts on pickup lines? Or as they say on Fashion Police, Gotta have it? Or make it stop?

Let’s Talk About...Hair, Baby

I would say that I am pretty good about hygiene.  I take care of my bizness and have never gotten complaints about uncleanliness.  There is one thing that I will slack off on occasionally. That one thing is shaving.  I’m pretty good about it in the warmer months.  I won’t let my leg or armpit hairs grow out past a light, sharp stubble; however, in the colder months I’m a bit more lax about it.  I won’t shave my legs for weeks, but I do shave my other parts (if ya know what I mean *cough cough*) regularly.  Now, I bring this up because as a single female (all the single ladies say, “Hey!”) in my 20s, it has been pointed out to me that cleanliness and upkeep is important if I want to be able to attract a man.  And as an Indian woman...the hair wrangling is important if not crucial.  I don’t think this is totally unreasonable.  There are times when I seriously do try, and I take care of myself religiously.  But then...there are the times when I flat out don’t care for months.  Those are the months when I feel as though all hope is lost, and I transform into a fake feminist with a distinct hatred toward the male race.  About three days after this declaration, I usually end up spotting a hot guy at the grocery store and scold myself for not putting in any effort.  He can’t see me like this!

Last week while I was at work (hardly working, as per usual) browsing through the ol’ HuffPo, I stumbled across an article about a woman who as an experiment stopped shaving her armpits which formed into a habit.  Now she just doesn’t give a shit and never shaves.  I admire this woman for taking a picture of herself exposing her unshaven pits.  It’s gross but admirable at the same time.  *Fist bump!*  I feel that it is the ultimate indication of confidence and a conscious acknowledgment of one's natural beauty.  A message that says, “Take me as I am! This is how I was made! All humans have hair!” It’s like that book Everyone Poops.  I think someone needs to write one called Everyone has Hair.  

I have also talked to a couple of guys on this matter.  I talked to one guy friend a while back who said that he actually dated a girl who never shaved her legs or her armpits.  He said that he didn't have any issues with it because it's the way all humans were made, and he thought it showed that she was a very confident woman.  Ok. Right...this guy was also a huge hippy so I’m not sure how I feel about his opinion.  I think it’s kind of gross when women don’t shave.  I understand that there are a lot of females out there (like the woman who wrote that lovely armpit hair article) who see it as a sign of the male race forcing women to contort themselves to fit the mold of a male fantasy.  A lot of women do not like the feeling of the nakedness that comes along with not having hair in most regions of the body.  

The last time I went to India, it struck me how many women over there don’t shave their legs or their armpits.  Another weird thing that I noticed is that women in India are more keen on grooming facial hair and ARM HAIRS than grooming their armpit or leg hairs.  This is totally a cultural thing as women in India are mostly covered up and don’t run around in shorts and tank tops no matter how hot it is outside.  But, I also think that the men there don’t really care because it’s totally normal.  

I think guys are pretty much split on whether or not they like women with hairy bodies or if they like women with smooth bodies.  I am personally ok with shaving my armpits, legs, and nether-regions.  For me, it is totally a hygiene related thing.  Also, I would not feel too comfortable having a guy see me all hairy.  I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t find hairy armpits to be too erotic.  

So, tell me what you guys think of the hair issue.  To shave or not to shave that is the question!  Also, if you have significant others, how do they feel about your shaving habits? 

The Great Approach

When out in social situations, it is generally assumed that men should approach women. This is great for us women (bartender, another drink please!), but not so much for the guys. Guys face rejection, a daunting prospect and not one that anyone willingly faces, or the loss of some money as they buy us a drink. What are the benefits? Oh right, spending time in our company of course!

In all seriousness, the idea of approaching a man – of being that obvious about my interest – is…not terrifying exactly, but certainly not something I like to contemplate. Ok, so maybe it is slightly terrifying. It is easy to gripe about the hottie in the corner who needs to get it together and come over to you, but when the shoe is on the other foot and you might have to make the first move, it is a whole new ball game.

Case in point, my reaction when friends insist that I initiate an interaction with a guy: I freeze. My mind goes blank and my body refuses to move. Fight or flight is kicking in and my instincts are running with flight. When my mind begins to function – at an embarrassingly slow speed – the excuses begin. I am spewing a whole lot of nonsense in a very short amount of time. “What? Are you serious? No, I can’t. He’s probably with somebody…she might not be here, but if I go over there and then she shows up, or he mentions her, I’ll feel like an idiot. I’m not ready for it. His friends will be watching…I won’t be able to be myself. I can’t do it. No. No! I won’t. Another time, I promise.” From the disbelieving and exasperated looks upon my friends’ faces (another time their foot – oh, they know me well), I know they are not buying it. Crap! Think fast Bri. Ok, it doesn’t even have to be fast, just think! “Uhhh…” At this point they are giving me all the reasons why I should go, effectively cutting through my excuses. I give up. I officially look like an idiot. But at least it is in front of my friends and not the hot guy! Point in my favor! (…not really)

Now I would be happy to offer you a specific example (on such and such a night, with so and so, such and such a thing happened) but really, there is no point in that considering this is the typical pattern. The only changes are time and location. That is why I have made it my goal to approach a guy I am interested in – an obvious point perhaps, but one that I clarify for my friends – in the next two months. This time, since it is my choice and not being sprung upon me, I will follow through. I will!

So when I work up the courage to say hello to Mr. Charming, you will all be the first to know.

That being said, what are your thoughts on approaching a guy? Is it something you are comfortable with or even practice on a regular basis? 

Handsy

If you read my post on PDA...then you know how I feel about PDA.  I’m fine with it as long as its in a sweet not so in-your-face type of display of affection; however, I’m not fine with guys who are too touchy feely or handsy.  It bugs me.  No one wants to see that.  Now, one form of PDA that is completely and utterly sickening to me is when a guy you barely know touches you.  I’m not talking just a high five or a poke on the shoulder.  I’m talking full on touching hips, lower back, neck, etc.  It’s effing creepy is what it is.  

This past weekend, my roommates and I hosted a little get together...which quickly evolved into a flip cup championship and a circle of death...death match.  I can sadly say that I suck at all drinking games, so I got a little tipsy (“Errbody in da club gettin’ tipsy!” Aw! Remember that song?!)  Anyway, there was a guy at this party that I had briefly socialized with at a previous party a ridiculously long time ago.  He was funny and seemed nice.  I remember the last time that we got along and that he seemed mildly interested, but I didn't really think anything of it.  Anyway, this past weekend he came over and we were getting along and talking and shit.  It was fun...UNTIL he started getting all handsy with me.  

At first it was a simple tap on the arm or the shoulder like he was just wanting to get my attention or trying to ask me a question.  Then it progressed to him touching my back and very oddly my hips.  I was thoroughly annoyed and was planning my escape plan from his touchy feely death trap.  Every time I separated myself from him, he would come over to me five minutes later and commence touching me.  Lastly, and this pissed me off like no other mother, he started touching my hair.  My hair, you guys! Not cool! He started to like brush it away from my neck and tuck it behind my ear.  Dude, I’ve only known you for a grand total of like two hours. STOP IT. I would inch myself away from him and flat out walk away from him.  He wasn’t getting the message and it was the most frustrating night of my life.  He was also the last person to leave.  He was coming on too strong, and it made me feel really uncomfortable.  After pretty much everyone had left, he came into my room (don't worry y'all; this story is not about to take any unfortunate turns) and started looking around.  I stood in the doorway and said, "Yeah so uhh I think I'm gonna go to bed soon.  So..." and pointed to the door.  He didn't get the message.  He started talking to me about The Walking Dead and my rain boots that were chillin' in front of my closet.  Finally, I walked out of my room, into the living room, and said, "I'm going to bed.  Bye." He left.  Nothing sketch ball happened and more importantly I got to go to sleep!!

I hope this isn't just me being a prude (I definitely DO NOT think it is), but when a guy you don't know very well is touchy feely with you and you are clearly not giving him the "ok" then he needs to stop immediately and back it up, son!  It is uncomfortable and awkward.  Now whenever I see this asshole it's going to be super awkward, and I will most likely completely ignore his presence.  

This scenario reminds me of a scene from Scrubs where Elliot's sorority sister comes into town to visit, and J.D. automatically likes her and wants to get in her pants.  They go out and the girl is very straightforward with him about where he's allowed to touch her.  Granted...she lets him make out with her, but it is still really funny watching J.D. attempt to make out with this girl without touching her at all.  I would probably not go to any extremes like that...also, if I am making out with a guy then that probably means that I have known him for a little while and I'm comfortable with it.  Ok, I just spent an embarrassingly long ten minutes trying to find the clip of J.D. making out with this girl on YouTube but couldn't find it ANYWHERE.  So, I have decided to share this gem with you.  Behold, JD and Turk walk into a club.  Of course, I have to ask: what are your thoughts on this matter?  Definitely not ok, right? Riiiiiight? Right?! (Feel free to express your true opinions.  I won't judge...I'll just roll my eyes a little.)

Leonard Flatbottom

When out for a good time on a Saturday night, often you’ll assume that any difficulties lie within the bar, club, etc. – drunken idiots, irritating bartenders, poor service, large crowds, and so on. Well my friends, when out this past Saturday I encountered none of the above listed. Indeed not. What confronted my friends and me at the door was Leonard Flatbottom.

Oh Leonard - unfortunately we do not actually know his name.

A brief history: My roommate and I enjoy naming individuals with names that we believe suit them. We have a neighbor who is in everybody’s business, always on top of anything related to the appearance of the condo complex, who enjoys sitting in his blue lawn chair in the middle of the lawn wearing his khakis and blue and white striped shirt. Given what we’d deduced about him, we dubbed him Dennis. (I don’t think Dennis the Menace occurred to us at any point; however, now that I think about it, it is fitting). Anyways, after about a year and a half I met him! Turns out that his name is John. John? Really? That’s so…ordinary, and Dennis is anything but ordinary I am not bashing the name – half my extended family is named John – but Dennis is full of spunk and nosiness. Speed bumps added to our parking lot – Dennis (I’m assuming it’s Dennis, but I can’t actually prove it). New light added by the dumpsters – again Dennis. There is such a thing as a “Dennis thing to do.”

Okay, back to Saturday night. It’s raining, and girls, you’ll understand me when I say that you did not spend the past 30-60 minutes fixing your hair to have it poof or get all nasty from the rain. So we quickly walk to the door and are greeted by the butler…I mean Leonard Flatbottom. Do we have reservations? No. How many people? There will be four of us. (At which point he looks around and so wisely states that there are only three of us. Well said Leonard) We cannot seat you until your whole party is here. Well this lovely, but can we step inside? Finally he says to come wait in the hall and get out of the rain. Very thoughtful.

A little drama ensues at this point. Adrie forgot her phone and no one else in our party had the girl’s number that we needed to get in contact with. So we’re standing inside behind the curtains (fancy, right?) trying to get our situation straightened out when from behind the curtain peeps Leonard – just his face. I look to Adrie and we burst out laughing.

From here on out, every few minutes out pops Leonard’s head to check that we are still standing against the wall. (Little note: the room is NOT at capacity. Through the curtains we can see plenty of empty tables)

We’ve been standing for probably 15 minutes when we are joined in the “waiting room” by a PDA couple (this is just what I want to see). Inquiring for the second time as to when they will be seated, and mentioning all the empty tables, Leonard gives the quote of the night. The quote of the week! Of the month! He looks right at them and says, “The bartenders can only make so many drinks so fast and I can’t allow any one to go inside and sit until they catch up. We’re at capacity right now…” I’m not doing it justice! But trust me, he rambled and he sounded ludicrous! The guy he was talking to was struggling not to laugh, the guy with us didn’t even try to hide it and Adrie and I were stunned into silence.

Now I understand that bartenders can only work so quickly, but that does not explain why we can’t sit down. We don’t need to order drinks right away, especially if we understand that the bartenders need time to catch up beforehand. 

Forty minutes (total) later, we are seated. Hallelujah! Despite Leonard’s…charming behavior, it was worth the wait. The atmosphere was great, the drinks phenomenal, the company awesome, and Adrie and I were able to put a lot of thought into the name Leonard Flatbottom.

So the next time you go out, be ready for your own version of Mr. Leonard Flatbottom.