Get away from her!

My friend Gandalf (that is what we shall be calling her today to keep anonymity) and I went to a Band of Horses concert last week. I love Band of Horses, but I’ve never seen them in concert and wasn’t sure what to except. Gandalf is a hardcore fan of the Band. She was so pumped about the concert…so pumped that she pushed her way to the front row and waited there for TWO HOURS before the show even started. I joined her about an hour into her two hour wait and we somewhat politely listened to the opener (ok, the opener sucked SO MUCH. OMG THEIR MUSIC WAS SO BAD). The lead singer of the opening band would mumble things into his mic between songs and also talk incoherently about a mysterious bag of cheese straws that were on stage with him. He occasionally threw cheese straws out to the audience (what the f*** are you doing?!). It was straight up weird.

After the horrible cheese straw band ended their apocalyptic performance, it was finally time for Band of Horses! Out pranced all five of the band members all dressed in hipsterific clothing (tight jeans, plaid button downs, old tshirts, etc.). They all looked like skinny little hobos! I loved it! We listened as the lead singer soothed the audience with his lovely voice (aided with the help of a cigarette that he actively smoked during the performance) while his bass guitarist thrust his hips toward the heavens and closed his eyes...I know that sounds raunchy, but he was so into what he was doing he may as well have been making love to his music. It’s a beautiful thing, guys!

During the very last song, some douche bag comes out of nowhere and assaults my back by grinding up on me and holding my shoulders. It was super awkward and totally ruined the eye sex I was having with the bass guitarist! My friend, Gandalf, with one determined look on her face looked at the douche bag and exclaimed “Get away from her!!!!” She was my white knight. She saved me. The douche bag remained persistent for a few minutes. I elbowed him out of the way, and Gandalf continued to yell at him to get away and to stop being an asshole (don’t think she actually said ass hole but it was something to that effect). Anyway, she saved my life in that moment and I was able to enjoy the rest of the song.

If there’s something that I hate about guys at parties and/or concerts, is their ability to come up to a girl and just start pelvic thrusting. It’s not attractive. Honestly, did you really think it worked for Chris Kattan and Will Ferrell in A Night at the Roxbury?! No! It didn’t work! That’s why it’s a terrible idea to try something like that! Next time, think before you choreographically assault a woman having a great time at a concert and/or party, son!