Leonard Flatbottom

When out for a good time on a Saturday night, often you’ll assume that any difficulties lie within the bar, club, etc. – drunken idiots, irritating bartenders, poor service, large crowds, and so on. Well my friends, when out this past Saturday I encountered none of the above listed. Indeed not. What confronted my friends and me at the door was Leonard Flatbottom.

Oh Leonard - unfortunately we do not actually know his name.

A brief history: My roommate and I enjoy naming individuals with names that we believe suit them. We have a neighbor who is in everybody’s business, always on top of anything related to the appearance of the condo complex, who enjoys sitting in his blue lawn chair in the middle of the lawn wearing his khakis and blue and white striped shirt. Given what we’d deduced about him, we dubbed him Dennis. (I don’t think Dennis the Menace occurred to us at any point; however, now that I think about it, it is fitting). Anyways, after about a year and a half I met him! Turns out that his name is John. John? Really? That’s so…ordinary, and Dennis is anything but ordinary I am not bashing the name – half my extended family is named John – but Dennis is full of spunk and nosiness. Speed bumps added to our parking lot – Dennis (I’m assuming it’s Dennis, but I can’t actually prove it). New light added by the dumpsters – again Dennis. There is such a thing as a “Dennis thing to do.”

Okay, back to Saturday night. It’s raining, and girls, you’ll understand me when I say that you did not spend the past 30-60 minutes fixing your hair to have it poof or get all nasty from the rain. So we quickly walk to the door and are greeted by the butler…I mean Leonard Flatbottom. Do we have reservations? No. How many people? There will be four of us. (At which point he looks around and so wisely states that there are only three of us. Well said Leonard) We cannot seat you until your whole party is here. Well this lovely, but can we step inside? Finally he says to come wait in the hall and get out of the rain. Very thoughtful.

A little drama ensues at this point. Adrie forgot her phone and no one else in our party had the girl’s number that we needed to get in contact with. So we’re standing inside behind the curtains (fancy, right?) trying to get our situation straightened out when from behind the curtain peeps Leonard – just his face. I look to Adrie and we burst out laughing.

From here on out, every few minutes out pops Leonard’s head to check that we are still standing against the wall. (Little note: the room is NOT at capacity. Through the curtains we can see plenty of empty tables)

We’ve been standing for probably 15 minutes when we are joined in the “waiting room” by a PDA couple (this is just what I want to see). Inquiring for the second time as to when they will be seated, and mentioning all the empty tables, Leonard gives the quote of the night. The quote of the week! Of the month! He looks right at them and says, “The bartenders can only make so many drinks so fast and I can’t allow any one to go inside and sit until they catch up. We’re at capacity right now…” I’m not doing it justice! But trust me, he rambled and he sounded ludicrous! The guy he was talking to was struggling not to laugh, the guy with us didn’t even try to hide it and Adrie and I were stunned into silence.

Now I understand that bartenders can only work so quickly, but that does not explain why we can’t sit down. We don’t need to order drinks right away, especially if we understand that the bartenders need time to catch up beforehand. 

Forty minutes (total) later, we are seated. Hallelujah! Despite Leonard’s…charming behavior, it was worth the wait. The atmosphere was great, the drinks phenomenal, the company awesome, and Adrie and I were able to put a lot of thought into the name Leonard Flatbottom.

So the next time you go out, be ready for your own version of Mr. Leonard Flatbottom.