Parents. I could write all day about how annoying my parents are when it comes to me having a boyfriend/getting married. They can really drive you insane and cause you to ultimately give up!
There's an Indian Muslim girl at work who is 30 years old, still lives at home, and doesn't have a boyfriend. She is extremely outgoing, beautiful, and funny. She's had a few boyfriends over the past few years but said that the relationships weren't really going anywhere or that she was just having fun. I went to lunch with her recently and we started talking about arranged marriages and the like. During this discussion, she elaborated on her past relationships (three major ones).
Her first love was in high school. They had been together all through high school and through the middle of college. She said that she was totally in love with him and that they were just very happy together. She ended up breaking up with him because she realized that she wanted to think about relationships in the long term and settling down. The problem with this guy was that he was an Indian Hindu. He wasn't Muslim. It wasn't going to work out unless she wanted to get disowned by her parents. Enter second guy. She said that they dated for about two years, but it didn't work out because her parents didn't approve of him. She didn't get into any details, but I'm going to go ahead and assume it was because he wasn't professionally successful or a "good boy" haha. Enter third guy. She dated him for a year and is now seeing him on and off. He's a surgeon living in Miami, Florida. She visits him a few times a year. It's basically a long distance relationship that they're apparently struggling to keep afloat. She said that she doesn't see it going anywhere because she doesn't want to move to Miami and he doesn't want to leave Miami because he has been super successful there. Being a girl with so many prospects and options, it seems like successful relationships have never worked out for my co-worker! And it all seems like it stems from just cultural pressure. Cultural pressure forcing her to be anything but herself.
I hate to say this, but it kind of makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one out there having problems finding "the one." She's not even actively looking. She's just gotten to the point where it doesn't seem feasible anymore. I told her...begged her...not to succumb to an arranged marriage. Like, over my dead body you guys! I just don't think it's the answer. I hate the idea of having to learn to love someone. You should already be in love with the person you're gonna marry. Duh. So much pressure is put on young Indian American women. It's ridiculous. I feel like the guys can get away with doing whatever the hell they want but an extra emphasis is put on girls to marry someone that their parents specifically approve of. It's very difficult to find a guy who meets your parents' specifications.
Now, I'm not saying that I am looking for someone who meets my parents specifications...but I am saying that it tends to put a bit of stress on the situation. For instance, if I end up really liking a guy but then am also aware of the fact that he is not someone my parents would approve of or would even like/get along with...I start to shy away from it. I start to repress those feelings and move on. This is no way to live and I know this. But this is the way millions of women live everyday. It's so weird. You would think that in this day and age, the older generation would be more privy to adapting to modern ways of thinking. They don't want to adapt. They want to preserve their traditional mentalities and force them upon the next generation. It really sucks. My co-worker (kind of like myself) is stuck in a cycle of pleasing her parents, and she doesn't deserve that. I don't deserve it. No one deserves it!
I am strictly speaking from an Asian perspective, but what prohibitory issues do other cultures have in relation to falling in love and getting married? Are Indian parents the only crazy ass people out there with crazy ass restrictions?! Please say it ain't so!
Her first love was in high school. They had been together all through high school and through the middle of college. She said that she was totally in love with him and that they were just very happy together. She ended up breaking up with him because she realized that she wanted to think about relationships in the long term and settling down. The problem with this guy was that he was an Indian Hindu. He wasn't Muslim. It wasn't going to work out unless she wanted to get disowned by her parents. Enter second guy. She said that they dated for about two years, but it didn't work out because her parents didn't approve of him. She didn't get into any details, but I'm going to go ahead and assume it was because he wasn't professionally successful or a "good boy" haha. Enter third guy. She dated him for a year and is now seeing him on and off. He's a surgeon living in Miami, Florida. She visits him a few times a year. It's basically a long distance relationship that they're apparently struggling to keep afloat. She said that she doesn't see it going anywhere because she doesn't want to move to Miami and he doesn't want to leave Miami because he has been super successful there. Being a girl with so many prospects and options, it seems like successful relationships have never worked out for my co-worker! And it all seems like it stems from just cultural pressure. Cultural pressure forcing her to be anything but herself.
I hate to say this, but it kind of makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one out there having problems finding "the one." She's not even actively looking. She's just gotten to the point where it doesn't seem feasible anymore. I told her...begged her...not to succumb to an arranged marriage. Like, over my dead body you guys! I just don't think it's the answer. I hate the idea of having to learn to love someone. You should already be in love with the person you're gonna marry. Duh. So much pressure is put on young Indian American women. It's ridiculous. I feel like the guys can get away with doing whatever the hell they want but an extra emphasis is put on girls to marry someone that their parents specifically approve of. It's very difficult to find a guy who meets your parents' specifications.
Now, I'm not saying that I am looking for someone who meets my parents specifications...but I am saying that it tends to put a bit of stress on the situation. For instance, if I end up really liking a guy but then am also aware of the fact that he is not someone my parents would approve of or would even like/get along with...I start to shy away from it. I start to repress those feelings and move on. This is no way to live and I know this. But this is the way millions of women live everyday. It's so weird. You would think that in this day and age, the older generation would be more privy to adapting to modern ways of thinking. They don't want to adapt. They want to preserve their traditional mentalities and force them upon the next generation. It really sucks. My co-worker (kind of like myself) is stuck in a cycle of pleasing her parents, and she doesn't deserve that. I don't deserve it. No one deserves it!
I am strictly speaking from an Asian perspective, but what prohibitory issues do other cultures have in relation to falling in love and getting married? Are Indian parents the only crazy ass people out there with crazy ass restrictions?! Please say it ain't so!
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