Third Wheel

I’m sure at one point or another you have all be in a third wheel situation. Now, the third wheel gets a bad rep – with valid reason!

You will never hear someone say, “Oh, I’m so excited! I get to go hang out with my friend and her boyfriend for two hours at dinner, watch as they flirt and grab each other playfully under the table and share inside jokes, while I sit there with a blatantly false smile pasted on my face and act like I’m OK with the situation…and what other choice do I have when I’m receiving pitying glances from the older couple seated near us?”

Okay, well you’ll probably never get that much detail, but the point remains. Hanging out with your friend and their significant other is no day at the beach. That they’ve extended an invitation your way is certainly thoughtful, but I have to wonder if they’re fully cognizant of how awkward it can become.

So, take being the third wheel on the occasional night out or a day brunch and amplify that by, oh, I don’t know…a hundred. That’s how much worse it is when you are living with that situation. I’m talking 24/7 third wheel-edness. The guy, or girl, basically becomes the third roommate – the addition – and yet you get the boot.

This is a tricky situation to handle for multiple reasons.

How are you supposed to react? Obviously you’re happy that your friend has found someone that they’re into; however, this person is now in your space and their presence changes the dynamic between the two of you. The significant other can be the nicest person you have ever met, but it still does not detract from the fact that your space now feels less like your space.

And where is the boundary and how are you to bring up that issue reasonably and respectfully? It’s their (as in your roommate’s) space, too, so are you within reason to specify days/nights that they boyfriend/girlfriend can be over? Otherwise, you are in a constant state of tension wondering if tonight is the night that you can’t walk around in your boyshorts and white tank.

What if you share a bathroom? How does the morning routine work now? It’s your bathroom, but you don’t want to be the bitch roommate that finds fault with everything. And yet, you certainly can’t have the significant other utilizing your time in that space…you will grow resentful very quickly.

What is truly underlying all those questions is, how do you respond and react to all that is happening, and the emotions it is evoking, while maintaining your friendship? (For my answer to this, check out the steps under “the TALK”)

However, the above questions are you being rational. Before you get to that point, you go through some pretty strong feelings. Since I’m a girl, living with a girl, the prospective situation will go as follows:

Girl meets guy. Guy comes over. Roommate meets guy. Girl and guy get serious. Guy spends significant more time at girl and roommate’s place. Roommate not sure how she feels about this. Time passes. More time spent at roommate’s place. Infringing upon roommate’s space (bathroom, shower, etc.). Feelings of having the relationship rubbed in roommate’s face (deliberately or not, the effect is still the same: a guy wants her and no guy wants me…wa wa wa). Roommate’s resentment builds. Dreading coming back to your space. Increase in resentment. Getting angry at every little thing girl and guy do. This carries on longer than it should in most cases, until you reach: the TALK.

At this point, in order to salvage your friendship (because it has deteriorated so significantly in your mind) a talk is essential. However, it is KEY that you have worked through the above questions before you broach the topic. I have found it helpful to follow the below steps…as a stepping stone to answering those questions.

Step 1: Know your mind/Clarify your feelings - You first need to figure out how you are feeling and assess the strength of the emotion(s). The last thing you want is to confront your roommate when you are in a volatile state of mind and might utter some phrases that you’ll later regret.

Step 2: Take a step back - Give yourself a day or two to calm down and get out of the heightened state of feelings. Once you’ve settled, you’ll be able to process the situation in a new way and this will allow you to evaluate the boundaries and the best way to present the issue(s).

Step 3: Reassess where you are with the issue – Do you still feel the same? Not as strongly?

Step 4: Find an appropriate time to discuss with your roommate – I recommend not starting this conversation if either one of you is in a rush. You don’t want them planning on meeting family/friends/significant other or having a some other place to go to. It is important that you both are focused on the topic and leave time to have a discussion. You are not going to be the only one contributing – at some point they will want to speak up.

The fact that you are taking the time to consider how you are feeling and the best way to proceed with the “talk,” is how you are maintaining your friendship. Letting resentment build guarantees that you shift your behavior around your friend and this can cause damage to your friendship.

Perhaps you are asking, how can you keep your relationship the same after all the emotions/feelings that have come up during the process?

You can’t.

At some point, you’ve changed. How you are with your roommate, or friend, is different. Your tolerance level has either increased or decreased. But the fact remains that you can’t salvage that past relationship because you are not the same person today that you were then. This is not to say that you may as well part ways now because you’re friendship is not going anywhere (this is where the talk comes in). It just means that you will have a different relationship from now on. But speak up! Don’t hold in your feelings and let resentment build because that will almost certainly guarantee a death knell for your friendship.