Honey, why are you still single?

How do parents broach the topic of their daughter’s singlehood? (Singleness? Singletude?) Some get right to the point and bluntly ask what’s wrong or why don’t you have one, for God’s sake?!

However, if they are like my parents, they have two approaches.

1. Beating around the bush, while still being incredibly obvious about what they’re doing.
2. Beating around the bush, with a bit more subtly (they need to look up the definition of the word).

Now, my parents are afraid to bring up the topic for fear of my reaction (apparently I’m incredibly intimidating…all 5’1” of me). It is a touchy subject, and oftentimes only garners the “Why are you bringing this up when you know I don’t want to talk about it!” look.

However, in my opinion, their hesitation stems mainly from the fact that they have absolutely NO idea how to go about it.

Allow me to demonstrate with approach number 1:

I tend to get a lot of “I don’t understand why you’re single. You’re so pretty and smart and funny. I just don’t get it.”

While this is flattering, and I know you’re saying this because you care and are showing that you are taking an interest in my life, has it never crossed your mind that I have thought the same thing at one point or another and being reminded of my apparent inadequacies is not necessarily a confidence booster?

Or they ask, “Why aren’t the guys lining up outside your door?” to which I typically reply, “Oh, they are. It’s embarrassing really.” Best defense: humor.

Unfortunately, such diversion tactics aren’t as successful as they used to be as my parents have since caught on to my ways.

Smart people that they are, they’ve come to realize that any overt mention of my status tends to garner a sarcastic response, humor ridden response or a blank stare that clearly communicates that the topic is not open for discussion. Therefore, they have put approach number 2 into effect.

“So did you go out last night?” At my nonresponsive grunt, they follow up with, “Did you meet anybody attractive?” (Yes, this is their definition of subtle).

Here’s the thing. Even if I did meet an attractive young man and then we went back and made crazy, passionate love, why would I tell you? I am not about to keep you up to speed on every intimate detail of my love life. I’ll just share the most pertinent details, like if I’m still with the guy.

And honestly, what do they expect? Me to respond with: “Yes, actually, I did. His name is Stan. He’s about 5’11”, brown hair, blue eyes, muscular build. He has a kid, but I find the fact that he’s a baby daddy and can’t pay child support an incredibly attractive quality. So we went back and worked on baby “number two.”

Since this is not an advice column for parents trying to figure out the best way to broach the topic, I will refrain from offering suggestions. Not to mention that it really depends on the single person and their level of sensitivity over being single. However, I will say that refraining from subtly veiled insults (exhibition 1: I don’t get why you’re still single), is probably a good place to start.