Good Cop Bad Cop: A follow up to Honey, why are you still single?

While parents often team up for the questioning of your singlehood, this is not the only means at their disposal to pry information out of you.

As your parents, they know what makes you tick and how they, individually, best identify with you. It is this factor that puts a whole new spin on the situation. Abandoned is the universal approach, and a more nuanced one takes its place. They build off their own relationship with you and format their questions accordingly.

In my own experience, it turns into a good cop bad cop scenario.

Take my dad’s strategy. He starts out by casually introducing the topic, asking a question such as, “So, any men in your life you want to tell me about?” While this sounds deceptively like good cop, because after all, he doesn’t want to raise my hackles so soon, it is in fact a diversionary tactic. After my quick response of, “No,” which he immediately decides isn’t true, he dispenses with subtly and I’m attacked with a barrage of questions, or in his opinion, “helpful advice.”

“Are you going out enough?” No, I prefer to be antisocial.

“Are you talking to guys?” Come on! That’s an offensive question. You honestly think I sit in a corner, arms folded, praying to be anywhere but there?!

“You need to be more open minded.” Uh huh. Okay, thanks dad.

“Are you even giving them a chance?” Nope. Absolutely not.  

“Are you communicating your interest?” I don’t even know what to say to you.

These questions are supposed to give me something to think about and hopefully lead me to the answer of how to be with men; hence, functioning as helpful advice.

My snarky responses are not well received. I mean, really, how could they be anything but snarky? Of course I’m defensive! You’re asking extremely personal information that I’m not willingly volunteering. “Well, I’m just taking an interest in your life.” Great. Throw the guilt trip on me why don’t you.

It boils down to respecting when I tell you nothing. Your not knowing anything about this is intentional, I assure you.

Now my mother plays the friend card, most blatantly good cop, trying to make herself as less threatening as possible. This tends to gain a more favorable response, as I’m not on my guard and am not having to fend off a multitude of questions.

There are no prescribed questions that she follows. Her technique is all about body language, tone of voice and appearing as unassuming as possible, which often involves a lack of direct eye contact when asking the questions she most wants to know the answers to. However, she finds that if I don't want to talk about it, I'm not. I'm simply nicer in my set down.

Regardless of the technical approach, and whether or not they work as a team or individually, I have found that one thing works to put an end to the topic. I calmly (and I stress calmly) tell them that I am not going to discuss this topic and to please respect my decision.

Often this riles my dad and I’m asked, “Why don’t you want to discuss it?” said in an instigating, and extremely annoying, tone of voice.

All I can say is to remain calm and restate that he/she/they need to respect your desire not to talk about it, and if they proceed to heckle you, remove yourself from the situation.

The topic is at an end because you say it is. You are in control, you decide how much you want to say, you decide if or when you need to remove yourself from their presence. If you can remember this, dealing with those questions becomes a little bit easier.