I'm Shy

My whole life I've been an awfully shy person.  In elementary school we had to do book reports and then present them in front of the class in a fun and interesting way.  I hated these presentations.  We only had to do it once the entire year, but I dreaded it.  I put together a great presentation, complete with props and charisma.  On the day of the presentation, I lied to my teacher and told her that I didn't do the report.  She didn't believe me.  She then called my parents who "grounded" me (Indian parents don't really ground their kids; they just make you read an extra book or practice math), and I had to present my report the next day.  I remember my face burning up and feeling sick in the pit of my stomach.  These weren't butterflies.  These were wasps.  Anyway, I gave my presentation, got a B, and went on to really hate that teacher.  If you asked me what her name was, I wouldn't be able to tell you because I've blocked it from my memory.  Now, I'm not quite so shy anymore…in certain aspects of my life.  I developed a penchant for giving presentations in high school and especially in college.  It gave me great joy to put together a tri-fold in high school and a PowerPoint presentation in college.  I loved putting organizing talking points on note cards and feeling prepared.  I was basically A BOSS at givin' presentations.  If only I could translate that confidence into…talking to…boys. 

I've never been one to exude a lot of confidence.  Whatever confidence I can muster when I'm talking to someone for the first time takes a lot out of me and although I feel exhilarated after having talked to someone successfully for the first time…for some reason when it comes to single guys…I SUCK AT TALKING TO THEM.  I just can't do it.  I get so nervous and feel so shy!  Even when I've had a little bit of liquid courage, I end up saying super nerdy things or things that in my head sound funny but in real life are horribly not funny.  There are so many tips out there on how to talk to guys when you're out and mingling or whatever.  Like, a lot of people say, "Oh, try to start out by telling them a joke!" HA! Yeah, me telling a joke.  I suck at delivery and when I'm nervous I tend to get tongue tied and end up blabbering literally in gibberish.  Some people say to be aggressive.  You know, guys like a woman who stands up for what she believes in.  "I think Pink Floyd is far superior than Led Zeppelin!"  That's one of the arguments I made once with a guy.  He questioned my taste in mursic and walked away after about five minutes of me ranting on and on about the progressive nature of the music in Dark Side of the Moon given that it was released in the 1970s.  

After many unsuccessful attempts, I've stopped caring.  I take the approach of being casually cool.  My strategy is always to let the guy come to me.  Well, unfortunately this never works for me.  Guys never approach me wanting to know more about me.  It's awful.  I guess when someone sees me being "casually cool" at a bar…they see me nervously twitching, hiding behind my girlfriends, and constantly checking my phone.   I have no clue how I became so socially awkward.  It started right after I moved back home after graduating.  I stopped going out as much and whenever I did, it was to hang out with girlfriends and catch up with them.  Now that I've moved out of my parents' house, I'm trying (unsuccessfully and admittedly half-assedly) to branch out more. The sad truth is that I've lost my mojo.  I don't know how to talk to guys I don't know very well (especially if they're attractive…which is a whole other level of stupid because…I mean c'mon.  I'm a hottie; they should be the intimidated ones). 

I'm incredibly shy when it's time for me to suck it up and talk to a guy.  I always want to be bold and make a move.  The times that I have done so, there have been disastrous results: spilling my drink on myself, tripping over my feet, getting the hiccups, sneezing unattractively, getting food stuck in my throat, laughing too loudly, saying something dumb, etc. etc.; the list goes on for days and days.  One of these times was actually yesterday!  

I went to a kickball game last night with my friend and was a stand-by player.  I sat on the bench, intently watching the game, and cheering for my teammates.  It was fun.  I was lettin' loose, havin' fun.  One of the guys on the team tapped out of the game to take a break after skinning his knee and came and sat down on the bench next to me.  We cracked a few really dumb jokes about kickball and he asked me my name.  I had been pretty social with him.  I asked how long he'd been on the team, where he was from, and we briefly talked about the inferiority of the bud light everyone was drinking (I'm not a beer snob, I promise!).  After this, he stopped talking to me.  I just kind of zoned out and went back to watching the game and totally disregarded the fact that he existed and was sitting right next to me.  A few minutes later, the team captain's girlfriend showed up with her slutty friend.  They had just gotten back from Café Ole, so they were drunk off of margaritas.  The slutty friend was being super flirtatious and gregarious with the guy.  At one point, I looked over and she was bouncing up and down saying, "I promise I'm wearing a bra! My tits are just super bouncy!"  The guy was laughing his ass off, and he looked like he was really enjoying her company.  WHAT THE F--K.  Are you kidding me?  "My tits are just super bouncy" is what gets a guy interested?! And that guy seemed like a nice kid…I just don't…get it.  I know I'm socially awkward and need to work on socializing with guys but there ain't no way in hell I'm gonna be putting my boobs in a compromising situation.  Besides, not only did she look really stupid bouncing up and down, but I'm sure that was super painful and cruel to her breasts. 

Now that I've critiqued myself on how I'm really shy and I obviously need to work on that, now it's your turn!  Do you have any suggestions on how to approach guys?  Have you done anything stupid, cute, or in any way out of the ordinary to get a guy's attention? I'd love to hear about it! Unless you were jiggling your lady lumps in front of a guy…in that case, please just…go away.

Here's a super cute video of Thom Yorke and Nigel Godrich from Atoms for Peace giving girls advice on love.  A lot of the questions have to do with having confidence.  They actually offer some pretty sound and logical advice.  Sometimes the solutions to these types of problems are very simple, but sometimes you need a pair of really cute, talented grown men to give you some loving advice.  Brought to you by Jezebel, brought to them by Rookie Mag.

Hello? Anyone there?

After a short hiatus, I am back! 

I have been dealing with a family issue that has been mentally and emotionally exhausting during the past month.  I’ve been coming to terms with a lot of stuff.  Life is way too complicated you guys!  I guess that’s what makes it so darn exhilarating!

During my hiatus, I found out that my dad is really sick and only has 6 months to a year left to live, I had the flu for two weeks, and then I went on a much needed vacation to San Francisco with one of my best friends.  It’s been a crazy month, and I feel like I’ve had a lot of days full of utter happiness and days full of nothing but darkness.  It’s insane how suddenly things can happen in life.  It’s like being in a car accident.  When it’s happening, you can’t believe it.  You even have that brief moment where you think you’re just dreaming.  But in the aftermath, it comes at you and you feel like you’re being crushed to death.  It’s a horrible feeling.  Of course all of sadness surrounding my dad and being in a germy hospital for four days straight resulted in my immune system weakening and my getting the lovely flu.  I then passed the lovely flu onto my mother.  Oops.

Amidst all of the stuff with my dad, I had completely forgotten that I had booked a flight to San Francisco for a week long excursion with my friend from DC (I’ll call her “D”).  I thought about cancelling it for a hot minute, but then thought about how much getting away would help me.  And it really did help!! It helped to get out of Memphis and be in a place where there is clean air (in the sense that it’s not stale with depression) and distractions of all sorts.  D and I did so much running around.  Along with the regular touristy things, D and I mostly wandered around getting lost and talking to strangers.  Also the food!  I felt like I was getting some kind of culinary therapy.  The delicious food that I ate brought me back to life.  The whole experience showed me that there’s so much more going on outside of my bubble of sadness.  Now that I’m back in Memphis, I’ve been working on holding onto that feeling of clarity that I had on my trip.  It’s been difficult, but every day I’m feeling a little bit better.

My dad and I have never had the picture perfect relationship.  We were best friends up until the middle of high school.  I guess we just didn’t have a whole lot in common anymore.  I was a female teenager with raging hormones, and my dad wanted to stay out of it.  I don’t blame him.  After falling out of touch with him, things were never quite the same.  We kind of walked on eggshells around each other, trying desperately to avoid having arguments, avoiding eye contact.  There was one point where I stopped talking to my dad completely.  I just disliked him and didn’t feel connected or related to him anymore.  Now that my dad is in the situation that he’s in, I feel like I’m having to make up for lost time.  I’ve been trying to spend more time with him.  We have our own little book club now.  Instead of young adult and mystery novels, we read books on India, Hinduism and philosophy.  It’s boring as hell sometimes, but I would much rather suffer through that than not have any significant memories with him. 

You may ask, “what the hell does any of this have to do with being a spinster?”  Well, it doesn’t have much to do with it except for the fact that I probably won’t have any fun and exciting stories about encounters with the opposite sex for a while.  But I will have stories about how I’m changing my life and figuring out what I want to be, who I want to be.  Time is precious, and I’d like to make a lot of self-discoveries while I’m young, and I’ll share these discoveries with you and everyone I love. 

And don’t worry; I’ll still be stalking people at coffee shops, stores, and the streets.  If I see any hilarious encounters between a man and a woman, OH you’ll know about it.  With the loving support of my family, my awesome friends, and a wonderful outlet in the form of this amazing blog, I’ll be fine.   And I’ll continue to crank out my crack pot theories about being a spinster and everything else in between.